Miscarriage.

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Friday October 16th was our very first appointment. I remember looking out the window and seeing line of vans, at the very end sat our little 3 seat truck.  Amused I turned to Jacob and mentioned how we were obviously the least prepared for a child in the office today. He nodded and gave his usual “ Hmm” as he held my hand, while I worried whether on not it would even matter by the end of the appointment. Truthfully we both worried. Originally my appointment was scheduled for the following Monday, but due to spotting that had started the day before the nurse agreed, thankfully to work us in on Friday.

I waited anxiously to be called back, fidgeting in my seat, fearing the worst.  Fearing that the 3 home pregnancy tests all lied and that the Dr. would tell me I was crazy. Fearing that the ultrasound wouldn’t show anything, or at least anything good.

It wasn’t long before were back in the ultrasound room, my eyes glued to the screen as we hoped a little baby would appear. To my immense relief one did, one tiny little one the size of a grain of rice at 6 weeks 3days gestation. We were so excited and relieved to be able to see this little baby. Our little baby on the screen. It’s little heartbeat flicking away strong as ever.  Our Dr. was hopeful that because of how far along we were when the spotting started that our little baby had a good chance of making it and that we shouldn’t be too concerned.

We left the office on cloud 9 and quickly headed off to grab lunch and stop by the lab to get blood work done. I managed to talk Jacob into doing a little bit of baby browsing- though it wasn’t too hard. What fun we   I had looking and comparing everything, while Jacob had serious sticker shock.  The man shops by price while I shop by what I LOVE.  In the near 3 years we’ve been married this was honestly one of my favorite days. Everything was just right. We discussed baby names and the type of car we wanted to get. We reaffirmed our pack that we would NEVER get mini van, and made plans for the future.

The weekend passed in bliss and Monday came with a vengeance. All morning I’d felt off and by the afternoon I KNEW something was wrong. Then the bleeding started, and didn’t stop.  I left work early thinking if I could just lay down everything would be so much better.  Driving home I had the impression that this wasn’t going to end well.  This was similar to the impressions and feelings I had gotten when my brother had passed and my parents got divorced.

I couldn’t have had better timing getting home. It wasn’t long after at walking in the door that I knew what was happening and that it would be a miracle if our little baby made it.  I spent the rest of the evening laying low as my body cramped against my will, despite the pleas and bargains I tried to make with Heavenly Father. I convinced myself I just had enough faith things would be ok and I clung to any shred of hope I could find. Then I happened while Jacob ran to grab dinner.  I knew in an instant our baby was gone.

The next morning my mom took me to my appointment since Jacob couldn’t miss another day of work. I willed myself not to look at the screen as they did the ultrasound, knowing my heart would crack when I saw that nothing was there.  Yet I couldn’t help but stare. It was like my eyes were physically incapable of moving away from the blank screen.  I didn’t want to cry, and I didn’t as my Dr. held my hand going over what happened, what to expect for the future. I’d cried my tears the night before and I knew if I started it would be hard to stop. So I just didn’t.

Jacob came home from work; he’d asked me to call or text him after my appointment. But I couldn’t tell him that way. He walked in the door a little after 10, all I could do was look at him and lamely say “No baby.” Though he’d already figured as much from my lack of communication.

We spent the day watching Netflix and hiding from the world. We mourned that day the loss of our little baby, and the future that we had been dreaming of for the past month.  I couldn’t pull myself away from the open door that day as the rain poured down. The clouds had opened up and it mesmerized me. It felt appropriate that the skies were as dark and dreary as our hearts felt that day.

Though I keep my feelings pretty close the vest in the weeks that have passed I’ve felt a broad spectrum of emotions. I’ve also felt extremely grateful. I’m grateful that we got to see our little baby, that it was real.  For the tender mercies that always follow heartbreak. They are always there even when it’s difficult to see or comprehend at the time.

“Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend”

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Vulnerability.

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As Jacob and I were laying in bed the other night I began to tell him how badly I want this blog to be successful.   How I want what I’m putting out in the world to ring true with people. I want those that are going through hard times, or also just trying to figure out life to feel like they could relate to what I have to say. I explained that I didn’t want to just settle for something subpar and that I didn’t want to fail.

 This blog, I have big plans for it but its scary terrifying to put yourself out there. To share your thoughts, feelings, any inadequacies, or insecurities. Possibly exposing any wounds that you may have to the world. The internet can be a cruel and scary place.  Over the years I’ve put so many locks on my heart and have my walls built so high that for the most part I couldn’t give a flying flip what anyone thinks. I realized that may not be as true these days. Not when putting my heart completely into a project that I so badly want to mean something, to become something.

Putting yourself out there puts you in a place of vulnerability, a place that I’ve worked hard for years at not to allow myself to be in. I’ve worked hard to lock away feelings and thoughts. Only sharing bits and pieces with those that are closest to me. I realized that’s why I’ve always loved running. Because If I needed to I could push myself to a point where my thoughts would finally shut off. Where all I was focused on was the road ahead of me and the sound of my own breathing.

Jacob leveled with me and pointed out that the fortress I’ve locked myself into may allow me to protect myself, but  it also stunts my growth, leaves me frustrated and cuts me off from experiences.

I’m learning as hard as it may be putting myself in the position of being vulnerable may be the only way I can grow as a person.  I’m sure this will be the longest process of my life, I’m not even sure I know where to start.  All I know is I want more for this blog. I want it to mean something, whether it ends up being just for me or it helps others remains to be seen.  This blog is about learning to love the life you live, in whatever stage that is, as messy as it can be at times.

I guess the first step for me was creating this blog and allowing myself to be vulnerable here and there.  For me that’s an uncomfortable and scary place to be.

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Let it go.

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Just when I was starting to think I was getting it together and forming a solid plan for my life. The bottom fell out and I’m back to square one.

Since I was in high school my plan has always been to go to nursing school. Originally I wanted to be a NICU nurse and to volunteer around the world on humanitarian missions. I had grand visions helping to deliver babies in remote villages and giving life saving vaccinations.  As time passed I began for whatever reason to question that decision.  In fact I began to question it so much that I became completely incapable of making any decision about a career at all.

Through my first two years of college and the next two years of marriage I’ve struggled, and wracked my brain daily in hopes of discovering what I should become. Finding my passion.  Something that I would love that would also pay well. Aptitude tests became the most unhelpful thing ever developed, and Jacob wasn’t liking the idea of becoming an Alpaca farmer. [ I’d seen a commercial that made it look pretty lucrative.]

After almost 4 year of wrestling with my decision and a million pre rec classes I decided to move full steam ahead with nursing school. It had everything I was looking for in a career… At least when it came to money, a nice schedule, the ability to help people.

Forget the fact that I HATE math and science classes. They were just a minor bump along the way. Forget the fact that I hate blood, guts, snot…basically anything that has to do with the body.  Forget that needles going into the flesh make me cringe inside and cause me to feel instantly nauseous. Ignore that I’m a germ phobic and require the use of disinfectant hand wipes after leaving a store.

I was going ahead with nursing school and NOTHING was going to stop me. It didn’t matter that despite all my efforts my class schedule wasn’t working out or that I’d probably have to sell my first two kids to pay tuition.

I moved forward making plans and praying about it for months and saying  “I’m doing this. If it’s not right tell me. Stop me. Let me know.”

 

I may have prayed about nursing school for years and I may have wanted an answer. But I wasn’t doing the best I could to listen for it or recognize it. It wasn’t until I actually sat still that I realized this was not what I was supposed to be doing. It wasn’t necessarily wrong, just not the best thing for me right now, and I was forcing it in that direction. I had been for years.

For as long as I could remember I would tell Jacob I just wanted to be a stay at home blogger wife that gets to work out and have a hot body. Well it may not financially be the most realistic or beneficial I struggle with the idea of giving it up.  So While I may be back to the drawing board with my life plans, that doesn’t mean I can’t blog about it along the way.  So here’s to having no idea what I’m doing or where this change of plans will take me. For now I’m content

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