Friday October 16th was our very first appointment. I remember looking out the window and seeing line of vans, at the very end sat our little 3 seat truck. Amused I turned to Jacob and mentioned how we were obviously the least prepared for a child in the office today. He nodded and gave his usual “ Hmm” as he held my hand, while I worried whether on not it would even matter by the end of the appointment. Truthfully we both worried. Originally my appointment was scheduled for the following Monday, but due to spotting that had started the day before the nurse agreed, thankfully to work us in on Friday.
I waited anxiously to be called back, fidgeting in my seat, fearing the worst. Fearing that the 3 home pregnancy tests all lied and that the Dr. would tell me I was crazy. Fearing that the ultrasound wouldn’t show anything, or at least anything good.
It wasn’t long before were back in the ultrasound room, my eyes glued to the screen as we hoped a little baby would appear. To my immense relief one did, one tiny little one the size of a grain of rice at 6 weeks 3days gestation. We were so excited and relieved to be able to see this little baby. Our little baby on the screen. It’s little heartbeat flicking away strong as ever. Our Dr. was hopeful that because of how far along we were when the spotting started that our little baby had a good chance of making it and that we shouldn’t be too concerned.
We left the office on cloud 9 and quickly headed off to grab lunch and stop by the lab to get blood work done. I managed to talk Jacob into doing a little bit of baby browsing- though it wasn’t too hard. What fun we I had looking and comparing everything, while Jacob had serious sticker shock. The man shops by price while I shop by what I LOVE. In the near 3 years we’ve been married this was honestly one of my favorite days. Everything was just right. We discussed baby names and the type of car we wanted to get. We reaffirmed our pack that we would NEVER get mini van, and made plans for the future.
The weekend passed in bliss and Monday came with a vengeance. All morning I’d felt off and by the afternoon I KNEW something was wrong. Then the bleeding started, and didn’t stop. I left work early thinking if I could just lay down everything would be so much better. Driving home I had the impression that this wasn’t going to end well. This was similar to the impressions and feelings I had gotten when my brother had passed and my parents got divorced.
I couldn’t have had better timing getting home. It wasn’t long after at walking in the door that I knew what was happening and that it would be a miracle if our little baby made it. I spent the rest of the evening laying low as my body cramped against my will, despite the pleas and bargains I tried to make with Heavenly Father. I convinced myself I just had enough faith things would be ok and I clung to any shred of hope I could find. Then I happened while Jacob ran to grab dinner. I knew in an instant our baby was gone.
The next morning my mom took me to my appointment since Jacob couldn’t miss another day of work. I willed myself not to look at the screen as they did the ultrasound, knowing my heart would crack when I saw that nothing was there. Yet I couldn’t help but stare. It was like my eyes were physically incapable of moving away from the blank screen. I didn’t want to cry, and I didn’t as my Dr. held my hand going over what happened, what to expect for the future. I’d cried my tears the night before and I knew if I started it would be hard to stop. So I just didn’t.
Jacob came home from work; he’d asked me to call or text him after my appointment. But I couldn’t tell him that way. He walked in the door a little after 10, all I could do was look at him and lamely say “No baby.” Though he’d already figured as much from my lack of communication.
We spent the day watching Netflix and hiding from the world. We mourned that day the loss of our little baby, and the future that we had been dreaming of for the past month. I couldn’t pull myself away from the open door that day as the rain poured down. The clouds had opened up and it mesmerized me. It felt appropriate that the skies were as dark and dreary as our hearts felt that day.
Though I keep my feelings pretty close the vest in the weeks that have passed I’ve felt a broad spectrum of emotions. I’ve also felt extremely grateful. I’m grateful that we got to see our little baby, that it was real. For the tender mercies that always follow heartbreak. They are always there even when it’s difficult to see or comprehend at the time.
“Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend”