Let it go.

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Just when I was starting to think I was getting it together and forming a solid plan for my life. The bottom fell out and I’m back to square one.

Since I was in high school my plan has always been to go to nursing school. Originally I wanted to be a NICU nurse and to volunteer around the world on humanitarian missions. I had grand visions helping to deliver babies in remote villages and giving life saving vaccinations.  As time passed I began for whatever reason to question that decision.  In fact I began to question it so much that I became completely incapable of making any decision about a career at all.

Through my first two years of college and the next two years of marriage I’ve struggled, and wracked my brain daily in hopes of discovering what I should become. Finding my passion.  Something that I would love that would also pay well. Aptitude tests became the most unhelpful thing ever developed, and Jacob wasn’t liking the idea of becoming an Alpaca farmer. [ I’d seen a commercial that made it look pretty lucrative.]

After almost 4 year of wrestling with my decision and a million pre rec classes I decided to move full steam ahead with nursing school. It had everything I was looking for in a career… At least when it came to money, a nice schedule, the ability to help people.

Forget the fact that I HATE math and science classes. They were just a minor bump along the way. Forget the fact that I hate blood, guts, snot…basically anything that has to do with the body.  Forget that needles going into the flesh make me cringe inside and cause me to feel instantly nauseous. Ignore that I’m a germ phobic and require the use of disinfectant hand wipes after leaving a store.

I was going ahead with nursing school and NOTHING was going to stop me. It didn’t matter that despite all my efforts my class schedule wasn’t working out or that I’d probably have to sell my first two kids to pay tuition.

I moved forward making plans and praying about it for months and saying  “I’m doing this. If it’s not right tell me. Stop me. Let me know.”

 

I may have prayed about nursing school for years and I may have wanted an answer. But I wasn’t doing the best I could to listen for it or recognize it. It wasn’t until I actually sat still that I realized this was not what I was supposed to be doing. It wasn’t necessarily wrong, just not the best thing for me right now, and I was forcing it in that direction. I had been for years.

For as long as I could remember I would tell Jacob I just wanted to be a stay at home blogger wife that gets to work out and have a hot body. Well it may not financially be the most realistic or beneficial I struggle with the idea of giving it up.  So While I may be back to the drawing board with my life plans, that doesn’t mean I can’t blog about it along the way.  So here’s to having no idea what I’m doing or where this change of plans will take me. For now I’m content

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