As Jacob and I were laying in bed the other night I began to tell him how badly I want this blog to be successful. How I want what I’m putting out in the world to ring true with people. I want those that are going through hard times, or also just trying to figure out life to feel like they could relate to what I have to say. I explained that I didn’t want to just settle for something subpar and that I didn’t want to fail.
This blog, I have big plans for it but its
scary terrifying to put yourself out there. To share your thoughts, feelings, any inadequacies, or insecurities. Possibly exposing any wounds that you may have to the world. The internet can be a cruel and scary place. Over the years I’ve put so many locks on my heart and have my walls built so high that for the most part I couldn’t give a flying flip what anyone thinks. I realized that may not be as true these days. Not when putting my heart completely into a project that I so badly want to mean something, to become something.
Putting yourself out there puts you in a place of vulnerability, a place that I’ve worked hard for years at not to allow myself to be in. I’ve worked hard to lock away feelings and thoughts. Only sharing bits and pieces with those that are closest to me. I realized that’s why I’ve always loved running. Because If I needed to I could push myself to a point where my thoughts would finally shut off. Where all I was focused on was the road ahead of me and the sound of my own breathing.
Jacob leveled with me and pointed out that the fortress I’ve locked myself into may allow me to protect myself, but it also stunts my growth, leaves me frustrated and cuts me off from experiences.
I’m learning as hard as it may be putting myself in the position of being vulnerable may be the only way I can grow as a person. I’m sure this will be the longest process of my life, I’m not even sure I know where to start. All I know is I want more for this blog. I want it to mean something, whether it ends up being just for me or it helps others remains to be seen. This blog is about learning to love the life you live, in whatever stage that is, as messy as it can be at times.
I guess the first step for me was creating this blog and allowing myself to be vulnerable here and there. For me that’s an uncomfortable and scary place to be.